Being invited at German friend's home
Great, you're invited to German friends' homes for dinner. And now what?
Some questions arise and cultural differences become particularly clear.
1. Should I bring something (food or a gift)?
2. Can I bring a friend?
3. What time should I be there?
4. What if I am full, do I have to finish eating?
5. What is the polite way to say if I would like something else?
6. Do I have to eat something?
7. How long should I stay?
Let's start from the beginning...
1. Should I bring something (food or a gift)?
It is usually a polite gesture to bring something: a bottle of wine, a dessert or appetizer, flowers or chocolates. (Only bring Flowers when women are involved). If they are very good friends and you have already visited each other's homes several times and invited each other to dinner or similar, it is not absolutely necessary. But the general feeling is that it is polite to bring something (especially if it is the first time and of course if a birthday is being celebrated, in which case you should bring more than just food – a gift).
2. Can I bring a friend or my partner?
You should definitely ask beforehand if you want to bring someone. In Germany it is more common to come with your partner only. Bringing friends that the host does not know or hardly knows is not common and often not desired. Otherwise, they would be explicitly invited.
With close friends, however, you can ask politely, but should give the option of refusing.
3. At what time should I be there?
If you are invited to someone's home, you should also be there on time. Being 5-10 minutes late is no problem, but if it will be more than 15 or 20 minutes, you should definitely let them know in advance.
4. What if I am full, do I have to eat up?
In many cultures, it is common for the host to constantly add food to your plate, and it is hard to say that you are actually full to bursting. That's not the case in Germany. When you're served, you're allowed to say, "Danke, das ist genug.” Often, you're also offered to serve yourself. "Bitte nimm dir! Bedien dich!”
5. How do I say if I would like something else?
By not consistently filling up your plate, it is assumed that you will just politely say if you would like some more or of a certain thing. "Könnte ich bitte noch Wasser haben? "Könnte ich bitte noch von dem leckeren Gemüse haben?" If the food is in bowls on the table, you may actually just take some more. You can add, "Das schmeckt so gut, ich nehme mir noch von … . "Ich nehme mir noch, ja/ok?“
It is even desired that you say if you would like some more, or that you just take what you like. You never have to overeat, it's perfectly acceptable to stop, eat less, or even leave something on your plate (but it shouldn't be too much, since you have the honest option to take less or say "stop" while being served).
6. Do I have to eat something?
When you are invited to dinner, breakfast, lunch “Kaffee & Kuchen” or whatever, the host makes some effort to shop and prepare a nice meal. You should come with some hunger and eat something. If you have any allergies or don’t like something, let them know in advance.
7. How long should I stay?
Here you should be a little sensitive. You should come on time and be mindful of when the hosts are tired, or it is "Zeit zu gehen". Of course, if you're having a good time, it can be later. Here, it's best to orient yourself according to other guests or to be aware of subtle signals from the hosts (getting up, clearing the table, they say they've had a busy day and are already a bit tired, etc.).
It is nice to emphasize at the end that you liked it and it tasted good. You can also write a message afterwards thanking them for the nice evening (and the delicious food).
Of course, it's also nice to invite your friends to your home next time (if possible).
When Germans invite you to their home it is a sign of trust, that they take the friendship "serious" and that they already count you among their inner circle of friends. You can be happy about that. It may take a little longer in the beginning, but in the end, you can have great, deep friendships with Germans who can sometimes be friends for life. See also our blog article "How to make friends in Germany". (Part 1&2)
Have you ever been invited to a German home? What is your experience? Write it in the comments!
Vocabulary and phrases:
Danke, das ist genug/ das reicht. - Thank you, stop, that's enough.
Bitte nimm dir! Bedien dich! - Please, take some! Help yourself!
Könnte ich bitte noch Wasser haben? - Could I have some more water, please?
Könnte ich bitte noch von dem leckeren Gemüse haben? - Could I please have some more of those delicious vegetables?
Das schmeckt so lecker, ich nehme mir noch von … - This tastes so yummy, I’ll take some more of…
Ich nehme mir noch, ja/ok? - I'll take some more, okay?
Kaffee & Kuchen – coffee and cake
Zeit zu gehen – time to go
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